Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
