Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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