I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I enjoy the company of your penis
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