WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
