32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think my moral compass just broke
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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