At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
