I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
3pm strippers are depressing
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
