I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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