I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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