One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
