I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
