So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
