Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We are all done wearing pants today
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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