Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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