am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
