It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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