final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
