life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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