You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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