I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
