If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
