Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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