i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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