Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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