my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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