I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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