Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
