I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
where are my eyebrows?
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