Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
