dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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