Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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