my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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