are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
