I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
