Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
