Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
