I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
