Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think I sprained my soul last night
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
