I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
