Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
