Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
