I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
