Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
