Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
