Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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