i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
