tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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