Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
