Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
