So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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