remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
