I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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