At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
