Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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