saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
