Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
whose parrot is this?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
