You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
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I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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